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The B'Oracle

I couldn't tell ya what the time was, time hadn't been invented yet. I couldn't tell ya how hot it was because there was no one to complain about the heat. It was just me, Archaeopteryx, a few Neanderthals (I know, I know, supposedly they are separated by 140 million years of evolution, but take it from the all knowing B’Oracle they partied with the same frothy beverage before they ate each other) and some spring cooled fermented grains.

I grunt with a smile when I think about the old days, those times that are now simply referred to as BB (Before B’Oracle) because, you know, even though I was there, before I came along all time stood still. Confused? Relax simpleton, it'll eventually start to make sense. Let's fast forward a bit to a time long after my elite culinary training, a time when I first populated the internet with my genius - the year 1992 AB (After B’Oracle).  It was a time when I felt the world was finally ready to toss aside that overly evolved, uptight, elitist cranius minimus The Wine Snob and put in it’s place the ever sophisticated, overeducated, hot chick magnet The Beer Guy.

Now over the years I've hung out on the cliffs of Pangaea watching blue-green algae bubble up oxygen from the shallow depths of the Sulfuric ocean. I've struggled through trying to teach the Cro-Magnons to fish for ants with a stick. It was I who became the first being on Earth to be concerned about hair and odor (actually I first used honey as part of my hot waxing technique, then I later used it on Eve before making some bread). Come to think of it, I believe that was about the same time I discovered yeast (one has to wonder, huh?). Anyway, it all boiled down to what I saw as the eventual coming of the Big Bang, the Big Kaboom, the Big Pam Anderson (well, you know - the six pack). Years later I saw the dolphins getting really pissed off about those little plastic ring things, and that's when I knew it was time.

No longer was beer just a reason for a good football commercial, no longer was it just for the game or the gut, no longer was it meant to cause strife between mankind and aquatic mammals. And having long ago mastered the culinary arts I knew it was certainly more friendly than wine when it came to all foods and all occasions. The B’Oracle - that's Boar-speak for Beer Oracle for the unlearn-ed among you hooligans - had seen on the Horizon a great moment where people would answer the calling of the great BEER ELAVATION. The moment when artisan skills, passion, flavor savoring, and information sharing would all converge around this liquid of lust we call BEER. And so it went that I started hacking into beer websites like this one.

Every week I'll give you my assessment of the beer before me. I’ll sip, swirl, gulp, and swish until all the qualities of these great concoctions come forth. I’ll pair them with foods, climates and occasions. I’ll bare my soul to the enthusiast and leave the gnashing of teeth to those of you who care to weigh in. The B’Oracle can never respond because my tongue is too quick for mortals, and The B'Oracle can never be seen because my image is too much to comprehend. So go ahead and begin this journey with the comfort of knowing that The B’Oracle will be here to guide you through the darkness, even though my true identity will always remain secret. For only I know. And when only I know, only I know, you know? Enjoy.