Tastings & Food Pairings

The B'Oracle   |   Wednesday, February 22 2012
Gulden Draak Ale :  It innocently invites you in, only to entrap you in Ale world.

When looking at beautiful snow-capped mountains one tends to forget that they are born of moments of great upheaval. In fact, the Himalayas are still rising from India’s careless collision with the Asian plate. I was there when that happened, it was an uncomfortable moment to say the least, kind of like watching men ogling at David Beckham during that underwear commercial. I promise you, hundreds lined up for those panties the next day.

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Tastings & Food Pairings

The B'Oracle   |   Wednesday, February 15 2012
North Coast's Scrimshaw Pilsner :  The beer looks like you just poured gold in a glass and topped it with a jewel of white opal.

The 2nd Law of Thermodynamics dictates that the arrow of time only moves in one direction, forward. Hence all matter is moving from order to disorder. The more organized an object is, the higher its entropy. A sandcastle's entropy is much higher than a pile of sand. In other words, the castle will decay into the pile of sand. This also applies to intelligence. That’s right! Kim Kardashian's entropy is very, very, low. Because she has very low order, she’s likely to remain in her current state for a long time, thus subjecting humanity to years of stupidity. In all my years of living on this sphere, I’ve witnessed this force in action. Entropy is an unstoppable force that tends to affect objects of higher order and beauty with more precision than most. That is my concern with Scrimshaw Pilsner.

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Tastings & Food Pairings

The B'Oracle   |   Wednesday, February 08 2012
Spoetzl Brewery's Wild Hare Pale Ale :  It is the measurable constant in the beer world, much like the speed of light.

The only constant in the universe is 186,000 miles per second. That's the speed of light in a vacuum. In other words, it can complete 7 trips around the Earth before you finish blinking your eyes. Pretty crazy isn’t it? This constant (c) is used throughout the world of physics and has a prominent place in the famous equation E=mc². The comedian Stephen Wright once pondered this question: If you’re traveling the speed of light and turn your lights on, will they work? That's a pretty funny question to ask, but not really worth pondering. In my world, what's really important and worth pondering is: if you’re plunging to Earth in an elevator with Dolly Pardon, will you see her face? Now that's heavy stuff. Anyway, that's just one second, care to guess how far light will travel in a year? Try 5.8 trillion miles, so by taking this constant scientist use it to measure things like distance, speed, and size. If you want to really scare yourself, you can even measure the federal deficit. But in Shiner, Tx the only constant they measure is quality. In this case that quality comes in the form of Wild Hare Pale Ale.

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Tastings & Food Pairings

The B'Oracle   |   Wednesday, February 01 2012
Left Hand Milk Stout :  This beer's flavor is no less dynamic than the color.

The tricky thing about domesticating animals is that you have to find a species that’s dumber than the one attempting the domestication. Having the opportunity to watch humanity attempt this endeavor was hilarity on a level not seen since “Springtime for Hitler”, I think the most disasterous attempt was when they tried the Honey Badger. Trying to get the thing to stand still was one challenge along with the fact that it just “doesn’t give a shit”. But they finally did get it right with cattle (8,500 years ago) and my more ignorant cousins the pig (7,000 years ago). It would be pure negligence on my part if I didn’t mention China’s epic struggle but eventual victory over the ill-tempered silk worm (3,500 years ago). But the real question is with wheat, yeast and beast of burden mixing together in the fields of our distant cousins, why was man so late getting to the table? It could be that he was busy tipping the dancers at the stage before the guys at Left Hand Brewing Company stepped in.

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Tastings & Food Pairings

The B'Oracle   |   Wednesday, January 25 2012
Sunner Kolsch :  Sometimes the attractive force of beer pulls me away from my comfort zone and deposits me in the orbit of a bright star; Sunner Kolsch is one such star.

Gravity is the attractive force between all objects that possess mass; it shapes and influences everything in our universe. I've seen the positive and negative effects of gravity throughout the course of Human history. The unfortunate attraction between Pam Anderson, Tommy Lee and a video camera will affect me for another millennium. So, the larger the mass, the more powerful the force of gravity pulls to the center. Yes, it’s true; gravity is the never ending force that continues its influence until the death of the body containing mass. This force of attraction is all around us and produces unique results. From the unlikely couple next door to the unfortunate coupling and reproduction of strange underdeveloped creatures called actors and actresses. Fortunately we are insulated from these unsavory beings by the most powerful matter in our universe, Beer. But between the two - beer and gravity - too much of one of these and you’re home explaining the tatoo to Mrs. B'Oracle.

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Tastings & Food Pairings

The B'Oracle   |   Wednesday, January 18 2012
Wasatch Pumpkin Ale :  It’s kind of like a full on pumpkin pie followed by a warm glass of brandy.

While sitting around and contemplating origins of the universe, one can use up massive amounts of energy. (Although I’ve been around for a long time, I’m still trying to figure out who put that damn “pin point of matter” into infinity in the first place). Even though my incredibly massive brain is constantly functioning at Einsteinian levels I do, on occasion, like to take a break from the heavier stuff and take a stroll around the world. On one such occasion, my hoof got entangled in some vines that some jackass planted on the ground. After I made a couple of false charges at the farmer, Charlie explained to me the purpose of such an idiotic endeavor.

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